How about it? When you look in the mirror... Are you tired of it? When you wash your hair... Are you disappointed in it? When you buy one more cosmetic product that promises you the world... Are you upset about it?
TIRED? DISAPPOINTED? UPSET?
IF the answer is no... Read anyway!
IF the answer is YES to any or ALL... Keep Calm and Read On!
So many years I have spent so much time, money and emotions to get to something that I really had no earthly way of articulating to any. Father, mother, husband, friend, hairstylist... nobody. Like, I want to look beautiful. I want to be beautiful. I want to be okay. They either told me what I wanted to hear or did not see it as relevant. I knew I was pretty and sometimes I saw her... but she was always coming in and out... Like, she never hung around for too long... minutes? hours? A day? Never too long where I could carry on and know I can fetch her at any given moment I was slammed with doubt or humiliation...
So many years and no tangible answer.
So many years crying. Screaming. Ranting. Frustrated.
Still, I remember being locked in that soundproof glass, oh the very glass soundproof, room...
No door in sight. Plain view of everything but no one seems to notice a lonely girl... a lonely young mom... a disillusioned woman... sad and afraid!
I was locked in a faith of glossing over hurts, wounds, to do good, say good, denying me; to adopt the label...Christian... While I bled..., figuratively and literally!
Well. Something started happening. I started having accidents. Anger and pain. My beauty is now dwarfed by my wombhappenings... who cares if I look good at 40 on the outside, even as I struggled with self-esteem? ...and I am falling apart physically? Mentally hanging by a thread?
Now. THIS is when I flipped. THIS was my falling together...
I turned my crying, screaming, ranting and frustration to WHOEVER made me! Why am I this way?! Why am I never satisfied? Why am I sad? Tired? Upset? Frustrated?
Basically. THIS is how I came into DOXA. I was inspired to create something out of all original God made stuff. The earth. The fullness was all around me. I was led to focus on my body. My shortcomings. My pitfalls. My problem areas. I was led to ask why. I was asked to accept my consequences for my ignorance. I was asked to listen. Compelled to carry through. Driven to seek the deeper meaning of this thing called BEAUTY. This thing called cosmetics. This thing that preoccupies us. This thing that many ignore. This thing that no one seems to quite know why we pursue it and why it is fleeting... awaiting the next bout of depression to fall apart... the next paycheck to get it fixed... the next and the next...
Surely. surely. SURELY!
I AM NOT ALONE!!!!!!
This is my first blog and I don't fancy giving any other answer to how I came out of it all but DOXA! An absolute return to touching, feeling, smelling, seeing, hearing, sensing... ME! The physical me most of all, asking what is my... vagina? Breast? Tongue? Scalp? Hair? Teeth... omg... my teeth? And I started learning about papilla and ovaries and eggs and sperm and stem cells and atoms and everything God poured... I drank it down. Bitter. Sweet. BITTERSWEET. Some days crying, frustrated, upset, sad... glorious!
You see, Doxa is Greek for Glory.
Glory bares you naked for you to see. No hiding. No faking. No covering up.
I am theDoxaGene. I have theGloryGene.
See. We all have theDoxaGene. We all have theGloryGene. Genes that are fearfully and wonderfully made. Gene's that are perfect. Genes that are buried. ORIGINAL GENES. Genes that are imprinted upon. Genes that man impresses upon. Genes that get warped and out of whack, getting us to never focus on the actual living, moment by GLORYous moment, evolving and discovering the beauty within.
INSTEAD. We are distracted from asking ourselves why? from questioning how come? We are instead preoccupied with what man says we are, to do... say... be... without too many deep, noodling questions...
We are talked into accepting the mediocre. Mind you, there is nothing mediocre about GLORY. NOTHING!
I HOPE THE SPIRIT WHO KEEPS US ALL MOVES YOU TO HEAR AND ME, TO HEAR MORE.
THAT'S ALL FOR NOW. SEEYA!